Wise words(26) 

Greetings and usual apologies my lovely readers. This times long absence was brought to you by an untreated UTI. I have a really bad habit of physically falling apart every once in a while, but truthfully I really could do better at taking care of myself.

I’m currently having writer’s block, but if I could articulate myself I would say, please take care of yourself. I was in shambles over seeing myself drop to nintey-four pounds a few weeks ago. I lost weight because my infection went untreated, however I do admit to not being the best eater. I don’t hate food or anything, I just don’t eat sometimes and that’s not fair to my body. I can’t even fit my prom dress from high school; it’s too big.

I guess I find this easier to talk about now after my grandma had a health scare.

 She said, ” Take care of yourself because you can’t worry about others if you’re not here.” 

She admitted that she had been slacking on the eating and drinking as well. Now every time I call I ask if she’s been eating, she does the same.

The choices we make now will indeed be our tomorrow, so what’s important to your tomorrow? 

We get very few days on this rock we call a home, and I’d hate to think that some of us might neglect ourselves to death. We worry our loved ones when we neglect our health or well being, but more importantly we hurt them as well. 

Life isn’t limited to flesh, however love and care for your temporary home; it’s a gift. So don’t stress yourself out over pointless things or possessions, just hug your loved ones and eat five more bites because they love you. Please take care of yourself.

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 Too young for love (25)

My husband threatened to eat my meals if I didn’t keep up with writing. So although I’m a day late, I’m ready to bring the magic that is my average life. 

I was going to write an epic blog about how marriage was portrayed in an unrealistic fashion. I was going to explain to you that a marriage, especially between two young people, is a real battle. I was going to explain how real marriage has its challenges. Crappy bosses, ER visits, bills, and sharing the toothpaste tube, just to name a few. I wanted to share what real love looks like in our lives. I mean, who doesn’t like homemade BBQ veggie pizza, with homemade dough? I wanted to tell you about the churros that turned out like actual poop, and glasses filled with banana milk. I wanted to tell you that we were average people, we just happen to love each other enough to choose lifetime commitment. We struggle together, that’s what friends do. We don’t demand gifts or fancy Instagram, “marriage goals” type dates from each other. We demand transparency and a decent pair of sweatpants (we cook and eat a lot) 

I wanted to tell you that every marriage is different, but I learned that they a need the same thing; soild foundation. We survive because we know we are loved based on our foundation. The tears, challenges, and fears can all be passed only by way of confidence in your foundation. 

I suppose the last thing I wanted to tell you is this, marriage is not a death sentence. I’m grateful for someone to cry, laugh, and, eat with. I am overwhelmed with joy at all the possibilities that life has for us, but I’m also grateful for our vows. Til death do us part was the easiest part of the promise. The loving part is greatest adventure and challenge one could ever face. 

Vindication (24)

Holy goodness you guys! Truthfully, I was a little nervous to write about this, but this is something I think I have to do for myself.

Maybe some of you are familiar with a vile rumor that involves cheating; at this point how could you not. This gross, false sorry excuse of a lie spread by way of gossips and hypocrites alike.

If that sounds harsh, imagine how harsh those lies felt. I was angry for a really long time and the worst part was knowing the source of these awful lies. The anger concerned more than just my falsely tarnished reputation; It was anger at the people who called themselves “my friends”
Isolated is the best word I could use to sum everything up. People glared at church and whispered their garbage without caring to ask me anything, while others just awkwardly interacted. I very quickly learned who actually cared to listen and quickly laughed at the assumption that such a gross lie could be true.

So after months of not being able to separate my anger from my writing, and a few interactions with coward internet trolls, I retired the keyboard so I could focus on what was important; It was hard though. I chewed on the idea of posting screenshots that would clearly put this lie to rest, but I didn’t see how that could help at this point.

After months of this and one move later, everything came to a head. I confronted the original source of the rumor. I need to be clear, there was no yelling or swearing, that’s not the way to handle things. I was bullied from elementary school all the way until my last day of middle school and if it’s taught me anything it’s this; stand up and don’t back down.

So I gave it to them hard. I will not be bullied by a cowardly lie. The apology that followed may not get back parts of my reputation, but it gave peace to the insanity that had been raging for almost a year. They lied and I could finally have my ‘I knew it’ moment, forgive, and move on.

Vindication to me means I am free of the false condemnation of others. So I’m going to write again. So to the haters as they say, “drake arm”?

So if you’ll have me again, please stop by for a (less angry) read Friday’s and Wednesdays. I’d love to tell you some cool stories and show you some cool pictures.

Green Peas (23)

Hello guys, I hope you’re doing well. I have some cool news, but I thought I’d first give you some really bland back story. 

I hate summer. 

The one pictured below was closest I ever came to reaching a happy summer. I’m a winter person, not by choice but circumstance. This story explains why: 

 Well the story is quite simple, from about the age of eleven I started receiving horrible news during the summer. It quickly went from feeling like a strange coincidence to an unwanted yearly occurrence. The worst of this news being the death of a friend. 

The summer usually brings a lingering sadness that most people feel during the winter. 

I always try my best though. 

California has a way of offering beautiful distractions. Seriously though, I usually await the month October with the hopes of  relief from the sunny anxiety people call summer. 

So you may be asking yourself, ” So what’s the news?” 

I’ve been making art to sell. 

The art is part of my “Not This Summer Satin” collection. 

I still hate the summer, but I’m ready to address my feelings for the most part. 

So cheers to fun and frustration. 

#summer2017 

(for now details about the art will be made available upon email request) 

welcometothe39th@gmail.com

Circus (22)

So, what do you get when you combine moving two-hundred miles away from home with the craziness of new marriage? A very apologetic writer. 

I’ve been spending the past month adjusting to a new life in a new town where no one knows my name and people always smile at the grocery store. It’s also very green here and ducks block traffic lanes. It’s a far cry from the life I knew back home, but it’s life that I’m getting used to a little more each day. 

I’m doing my best here, but I still do long for my hometown somedays. It’s a bitter sweet nostalgia that is sometimes swiftly stomped out with the thoughts of a better life offered by this new town. I guess I’ll still always miss those friendly faces of my friends and love ones. 

Oh, Grands. She complains I never get her good sides in pictures, but guys look at her lovely face.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot something else, the move brought me one more thing. 

I’m going to say this one last time for the people in the back who don’t listen. Stability is everything. I must simply tell you how much it means to have a place called home. You see for a long time like kids of divorce, I didn’t get to have just one home. You know the deal Christmas here, birthday there, the thought of not being able to sit between your mom and dad without fear of an argument. Although the physical shifting about mellowed in my teen years, I still felt the effects of three different homes of people not working together for a common goal. 

I’m more confident than ever in my ability to build a home with my husband. I owe it to my parents to make my house a home that fosters good memories and creates an ambitious atmosphere. I also happen to think it’s working already. 

This last month has been the craziest, most unexpected month of my life. It feels like a circus sometimes, but the fun ones where you eat a little too much cotton candy. It has its good days and bad, but as long as I’m willing to defend the path that I’m making and continue living with purpose then I’m good. 

These are the things that make me feel successful, and that’s what matters because haters are always going to hate. 

Well at least that’s what my dad tells me. 

Cheese (21)

That’s me, carrot and all. I was seventeen here and this back then was my favorite photo. 

Those here to read about my wedding and my new husband, well I’m actually going to still tie that in, I just really need to address this topic. 

This photo along with many others of its kind were taken by one of my closest friends from high school. He was kind, somewhat of a genius, and the new kid. His friendship would lead to countless adventures and photos, most I no longer have. In classic teenager going on adult fashion, emotions, immaturity, and a lack of empathy ended our friendship. I look back on those last few months with my friends and have strange regrets, but I mostly regret not staying friends with the nice boy who once built a computer. I also regret the stranger I introduced to my friend group, but that’s a different story for a different day. 

These photos remind me of the simple days before we turned about nineteen, these were the days when we would get weird sunburns and run loose on the pier. We were children yet to be changed by the uncertainty of our early twenties. We had not suffered the pain of what was to later come in our lives. Looking back I now understand that as we got closer to our twenties we were acting based on our frustrations that rattled us behind closed doors. 

Death of love ones and friends had not yet reached us. 

Fear of the future had not yet reached us. 

The idea that we could all just naturally be pulled in different directions had not yet reached us. 

These friends once threw a birthday party when a member of the friend group parents had accidently forgotten his birthday. 

These friends once wore matching purple outfits and marched around together. 

These friends were all once part of a kindness club at their high school. 

The older I get I look back and I can’t tell you how fondly I think of these young kids and frown on some of the events that occurred in their lives. These kids are bright beautiful pieces of potential. The boy that took these pictures was always a wiz with computers, and I always knew he’d be something great. 

So what does all of that have to do with my marriage or my husband? 

Everything. 

I’m twenty-three now and a lot of those experiences and those laughs helped me shape who I am as well as the bad times and the end of some of those friendships. Nothing ever lasts forever, however,  those experiences taught me empathy and understanding and would allow me to do certain things a lot differently in the future. I will never again be a seventeen- year old digital artist and time will forever move forward. As I now scroll through the feed of marriages, college grads, and babies, I’m reminded how quickly we’ve grown into adults. 

We’re tiny pieces of the people who raised us mixed with our experiences in search of a future. 

I was once a teenager sitting at the feet of adventure, my dreams were simple and my thoughts complicated. The fondness I feel for these times are both romantic and genuine. These pictures were a great way to start my marriage because they remind me of where I came from and how much has changed. I look at these photos with the hope that I will do that quirky girl some amazing justice. I know just how scared she was.

 It brings me great pleasure to see everyone doing well and I hope that whenever anyone gets down on themselves that they remember simply that time is still moving and a lot has changed. 

Well, mostly. 

How can it be? (20)

The greatest gift bestowed upon human kind is that of empathy. We were granted the ability to take a step back and put ourselves in the shoes of others. 

Although we were granted such a wonderful gift, we lack so much compassion at times. We are a defensive people that search for ourselves in things that don’t concern us. We read into the actions and words of others and we arrogantly assume we are the only motive behind those actions and words. We get offended quicker than we take the time to listen or consider other reasons for someones actions or behavior. 

At twenty one years old I lost a friend to suicide. That experience lead me on a personal journey to understanding how I could become more empathic. When my friend passed away our relationship was actually poor. I had chosen to be upset and defensive when we hit a rough patch  rather than just sitting down and asking why they were behaving that way. 

Looking back, I realize that’s all they really wanted. They wanted to tell me that they were hurting because of family, pressure, broken dreams. They wanted my ears to hear their stories without input. They wanted to be transparent. 

I let them down by assuming they were attacking me because they were being unreasonable. I didn’t take the time to understand that I had broken the trust of someone who was used to me just listening. 

Never again will I have the chance to tell that person that their feelings are valid nor apologize for not being more understanding. That feeling will always haunt me. 

 Not everything is about us. 

We need to ask questions without motives and make an effort to understand we aren’t always in need of a defensive attitude. We are to blame sometimes. So take the time to be understanding and also take time to leave some people behind. 
That’s the kindest thing we can do sometimes.